Hadley Freeman's overly tongue-in-cheek articles in Guardian which seem to discourage people from 'having fun' with fashion used to grate me quite a bit but her writing for 10 magazine for which she is a regular contributor brings me joy everytime I buy an issue and as I cosy up on my bed to take in her writing. In the latest issue, she presents her own handy guide as to how you can tell if you're a fashion victim. This has nothing to do with what you're wearing but rather, what sort of a lifestyle you lead and thankfully, a lot of the boxes are left unticked yet frightfully, a lot of them I grudgingly admit are partially true...
1) You refer to Italy as "Milan" and France as "Paris" and are genuinely taken aback when someone suggests visiting other cities in that country. SB: Of course I visit other cities in France and Italy! Duh! Hyeres in the South of France (for the fashion competition) and Trieste (for the Diesel ITS competition).
2) You buy a newspaper and turn first to the fashion section. Double points if during the shows you buy the Herald Tribune, read Suzy's review and then chuck the rest of the paper away. SB: I'll admit that my daily misery on the tube journey home is reduced slightly when I flick to the London rags' fashion pages. Yes, I do so love tearing away at that annoying plastic wrapper on ES magazine on Friday and also Style from the Sunday Times. I must confess, I've never bought IHT but prefer the comfort of clicking away at it online.
3) When someone asks you, "What's new?" the only thing you can think of is "Well, I managed to swag those limited edition jeans in the Kate Moss range for Topshop." SB: If I was going to answer with something fashion related, I'm 100% sure that my reply isn't going to involve 'Kate Moss for Topshop'. More than likely, I'll be ranting and raving about why Orange has charged me extortionate amounts of money for my mobile phone bill (my current rage attack subject...).
4) You go to the shows and are genuinely upset if the Japanese don't take your photo outside. SB: Going to shows and getting photographed actually bewilders me to no end. I look bedraggled by public transport and a streetstyle photographer wants to photograph this bedraggledness? By all means, take a picture of my sweaty pored face, scuffed shoes and broken bag, with half my outfit obscured by a huge canvas bag carrying press releases/lookbooks.
5) The Japanese all know your name and you are not a nobody. SB: Haven't a clue how many Japanese people know my name. Haven't a clue at all...
6) It has never occurred to you to buy a magazine that wasn't primarily about fashion. SB:Seeing as my initial obsession with magazines started with the Animals of Farthing Wood monthly guide and also the NSPB members mag (I had a thing for peregrine falcons...), I can't say this question really applies.
7) You are reading Vogue and are suffused with vindication, gratification and smugness when the magazine says that green dresses are in and you are wearing, yes, a green dress. SB: I'm reading Vogue and wondering why they insist on ??statements?? like 'Pussybow blouses are back!'. Were they ever gone?!
8) You notice a male Fashion Editor wearing leg warmers over his black Superfines and you don't fall off her seat and laugh as hard that you break your coccyx. SB: I don't think I could laugh that hard at anything but I will be wondering where said male Fashion Editor got loose enough legwarmers to pull over his jeans so that they don't look too stretched and then I'll automatically put it down to his natural uber-skinniness.
9) You would never buy a fake, even if it was the very spit of the original, because you would "just know". SB: If something is so ubiquitous as to have a fake, then I doubt I'm going to be that much the real thing to even contemplate getting a fake.
10) The only time you go to museum exhibitions is if a designer has taken homage from one and you think you should hone up on it, or a designer is holding a party at one. SB: Time Out is my bible and you'll find circled exhibitions all over the joint.
11) Ditto movies. And plays. And reading a book. SB: I have a lot of time to waste and movies and books are my cheap thrills.
12) You make the effort to "work a look" - possible Balenciaga sci-fi, say - to your (non-fashion) best mate's 36th down the pub. SB: I must confess to 'working a look' and I'm all for inappropriate dresscodes seeing as I dress by silly whimsies. Balenciaga sci-fi at the pub is all very well if on the day you felt like being a Ghesquiere robo-girl.
13) You know the names of all the major Fashion Editors and they don't know yours. SB: The names I know, the faces can elude me sometimes and whether they know my name.... again, haven't the fogiest idea.
14) The best party you ever attended in your life was a fashion party. SB: 5th birthday party at Wimpy was pretty much awesome.
15) You're in a shop and all the shop assistans know your name, size, life story and guess (correctly) what you're going to buy. SB: I don't think my boyfriend knows that much information about me.
16) You're in a shop. Again. SB: There is no shame in meandering around the shops to pass time.
17) You're in a shop and you find yourself trying on a dress that you realise only after it's actually on that you've tried it before. SB: Too much Pro-Plus and Coke Zero may have made me this enthusiastic about one dress but other than that...no.
18) You're in a shop and you're trying on a dress that you remember (accurately) exactly where it was in the show running, which model was wearing it, how it was accessoried and who did the styling. SB: It's doubtful that I'll be trying on dresses that have had that memorable a show but admittedly, those catwalk images do pop up from time to time.
19) You're in a shop and you're trying on a dress that does, OK, look a little weird but, you reason to yourself you would wear it during the shows and the Japanese would TOTALLY go for it. SB: Again, doubtful that I'll be trying on a 'Japanese eye-candy' dress and even more unlikely that I'd be buying it.
20) When someone says "shopping" you automatically assume they're referring to clothes. SB: I'm rather partial to grocery shopping. I select my fruits and vegetables with joy.
21) Only clothes shopping counts as financial expenditure. Everything else - home repairs, travel, drugs - is just unavoidable essentials. SB: Gah...it's all money coming out from the same bloody account.
22) The only way you can think of to kill time is to go shopping. SB: See 16). No shame whatsoever...
23) The majority of the songs on your iPod are ones you heard at the last round of shows/at BoomBloodyBox / at a designer's studio / in your fashion week driver's car / at a fashion party / at a gay club with the gagys (and you're not, you know, gay) / on a freebie CD given away with a fashion magazine. SB: I don't think I could fill up a 30GB iPod with music of the varieties described. And yes, the iPod is full so.....
24) You notice that a particular model is absent from the shows this season and you're genuinely concerned that something might have happened to her. SB: I can't say that I can get overly concerned about someone that I don't actually know in person or come to think of it...by name (not a huge model name memoriser...).
25) You actually think about the models, and, during the shows, kind of think that they think about you too. SB: Um... I don't think so...
26) Fashion over comfort, every time, even if that time is at Glastonbury / in hospital / on a plane / in your flat, alone. You derive a sense of smugness from knowing what this season's it drink is and insistently sticking to it, even on a (non-fashion) girl's night out. SB: Cannot comfort and fashion go together *she says with a puppy dog face*. I'm adamnant there's a way to do both... The drink of this season, next season, every season is a vodka and cranberry. Because I like it.
27) You know more gay men than straight ones. SB: It's slowly getting to that stage...
28) You are genuinely miffed not to be on the same flight or train as the rest of the "important people" en route to or back from New York, Milan or Paris. SB: I'm not sure whether the 'important people' are gonna be slogging it out in Economy.
29) You know exactly what day of the month each of the, you know, important fashion magazines come out. SB: Roughly speaking, I do know when to spring out of my bed and whoop for joy and skip down ot the local newsagents to scoop up the latest mag.
30) You write down in your notebook your seat assignment from each show and you borrow clothes from the designers accordingly. SB: How about looking at the invitation at the last minute because I haven't really yet worked out what they all mean anyway...
31) You actually care about bloody seat assignments. SB: I do pray that the 6 footers don't plonk themselves in front of me but putting me at the back with ickle people sitting in front of me is just fine.
32) You read the press releases before the shows. SB: It's like sitting in the dentist's waiting room. You read whatever crappy gossip mag there is. Seriously though, I do like understanding a collection better with the aid of a good press release.
33) You read any press releases. SB: My reading skills aren't what they used to be. Pics are good. Me likey pictures...
34) It's your birthday and the majority of your guests are fashion PRs, journalists and/or students, and you are none of the above. SB: It's my birthday soon and I think I'll have it at Wimpy again (if they still exist) so that rules out the PR's, journo's. The students might turn up for the free burger.
35) You could, in your sleep, give the first and last name of the PR of ever designer on the schedule. SB: Some names do haunt me a little.
36), You could, in your sleep, recite the schedule for every fashion week in every fashion city, and you are properly ruffled when the fashion councils deign to change them. SB: If I'm honest, sometimes the exact dates escape me.
37) You are still reading this list. SB: I'm well and truly sad...
(List in black Italics taken from 10 Winter 2007, 'How to tell if you're a fashion victim', written by Hadley Freeman.)
